Mr. Ronnie’s Confession

MR. RONNIE’S CONFESSION
(A Play In One Act)

First performed December 1989 at the 45th Street Theatre.

[A church in Hell’s Kitchen.  Organ music plays in the background.  A confessional box is set center stage facing the audience.  It is open to the front but a partition divides the box.  Mr. Ronnie enters the church and makes his way up the center aisle.  He is wearing black dungarees and a black leather jacket over a white T-shirt.  He looks around, somewhat confused, and finally enters the confessional.  A few seconds later, a priest makes his way to the confessional, stopping to bow and make the sign of the cross.  He enters the confessional and waits another few seconds before Mr. Ronnie knocks on the sliding window.]

PRIEST

Begin.

MR. RONNIE

Ah, bless me father, for I have sinned.  My last confession was, ah, six years ago.

PRIEST

(with heavy irish brogue)

Are you sure, son?

MR. RONNIE

Ah, yeah, father.  Six years.  I, ah, curssed two thousand times.  I smoked pot two times.  I second-acted ten plays.  I Scalped tickets a few times.  I lusted a few times.  I Acted on my last once but that was at a bachelor party, so … I cheated on my taxes seven times.  I put in for overtime once when I already clocked out but I didn’t get it so that one doesn’t really count.

PRIEST

When you say you second-acted ten plays.  What does that mean?

MR. RONNIE

Second-acted.  Second-acted, you know.  Didn’t you ever second-act a play?

PRIEST

No, I’m sorry.

MR. RONNIE

You follow people back into the theatre after intermission.  They hardly ever check, unless it’s a full house or somethin’.  You just follow them in and you take one of the empty seats.

PRIEST

Oh, I see.

MR. RONNIE

It’s no big deal.

PRIEST

No.

MR. RONNIE

Couple Hail Mary’s or somethin’.

PRIEST

Something.

MR. RONNIE

It’s not like I stole money or somethin’ like that.

PRIEST

No.

MR. RONNIE

If the house was sold out, I had to leave.

PRIEST

Excuse me?

MR. RONNIE

If there weren’t any empty seats they would show me the door.  I had to leave if I couldn’t find a seat.  I mean, I never bitched a-ah, Sorry, father.  I never complained about it.  I never made a beef.  I just left.

PRIEST

Did you actually get caught doing that, second-acting?

MR. RONNIE

Yeah, sure, couple times.  They just ushered me downstairs and out.  It’s no big deal.

PRIEST

Did you go back again?  Did you try it again?

MR. RONNIE

After a couple weeks.  On the off-nights.  You know, Tuesday, Wednesday.  Maybe a Thursday.

PRIEST

Why?

MR. RONNIE

What what?  Why those nights?

PRIEST

No, why try it again?

MR. RONNIE

Father, those shows cost fifty bucks to see with a regular ticket.  I’m only catching the second act.  It’s not like I’m stealing the fifty bucks.  It’s not like I took it from somebody.  Those seats were empty.  They couldn’t sell them anyway.

PRIEST

So, what you did was sit for half the show.  Why didn’t you offer the box office half the price of the ticket?

MR. RONNIE

Who’d pay to see half a show?  ‘Specially the second half.

PRIEST

Oh.

MR. RONNIE

What they should do is give the seats away.  You know, the ones they can’t sell before the show.  There’d be a lot more charity in the theatre that way.  People might respect it for somethin’ more than just another business.

PRIEST

I understand.  Anything else?

MR. RONNIE

(Proud of himself)

No, that’s it.

PRIEST

What about the scalping business?  Were they theatre tickets?

MR. RONNIE

Sure.

PRIEST

You like theatre?

MR. RONNIE

Hey, I’m an actor, father.

PRIEST

Oh, I see.

MR. RONNIE

But I didn’t scalp a lot.  Only when I got tickets I knew would sell.

PRIEST

Did you ask a lot of money for the tickets?

MR. RONNIE

I got a good price, yeah.

PRIEST

What’s a good price?  I’m curious.  In relation to what?  If a ticket cost fifty normally, how much did you charge?

MR. RONNIE

Oh, that depends, father.  For a hot show like Phantom, I could get anywhere from seventy-five to a hundred bucks a pop.  A friend of mine got me one-fifty a ticket for Les Mis once but he’s a hard guy.  He scalps everything.  Football, baseball, concerts, plays.  He’s the one should be in here now.

PRIEST

A hard guy?

MR. RONNIE

You know, father.  Connected.

PRIEST

Ah, I see.  So, do you see anything wrong with what you did?  The scalping tickets, second-acting and so forth?

MR. RONNIE

Not really, no.

PRIEST

I didn’t get that impression either.  Why did you mention them to me?

MR. RONNIE

I don’t know.  To, ah, confess, I guess.  I didn’t know what to say, father, tell you the truth.

PRIEST

Are you sure you’re a catholic, son?

MR. RONNIE

Yeah, sure.  Sort of.

PRIEST

Sort of?

MR. RONNIE

I mean, I am.  Of course I am.

PRIEST

Why are you here?

MR. RONNIE

To get married, father.  They told me I hadda’ get a confession to get married.

PRIEST

They?

MR. RONNIE

The people my fiance’ spoke with from your church.  They told her that I hadda’ do this before I could get married in your church.  I’m from Brooklyn, father, another Parish.

PRIEST

I see.  But didn’t you say that your last confession was six years ago?

(Pause)

Son?

MR. RONNIE

I was lying.

PRIEST

Now, isn’t that a rather cumbersome thing to do?  The confession, the lies?

MR. RONNIE

No, I don’t mind it much.

PRIEST

Well, that’s commendable.

MR. RONNIE

It’s no big deal.

PRIEST

No, I guess it’s not.  A lot of the people who come here actually make up sins that they think they should have committed.  To have something to say to us when they come here.

MR. RONNIE

That sounds lonely.

PRIEST

Yes.  Very observant of you.  Yes, I think so.  Lonely.

MR. RONNIE

At least they just make them up.  They could act on them.

PRIEST

They do eventually.  That’s when they stop coming here.  That’s how I know when they act on the sins they created.

MR. RONNIE

Sounds like a lot to think about for you.

PRIEST

It is, yes.

MR. RONNIE

Tough job.  I don’t envy you.

PRIEST

Yes, well.  You know what you are doing is wrong.  That it is illegal.  Yet you continue to do it.

MR. RONNIE

Still do.

PRIEST

Still do?

MR. RONNIE

Sure, it’s money father, money.

PRIEST

Alright, let’s move on to the next sin on your list.  Lust.

MR. RONNIE

Ah, I do lust.

PRIEST

Still do?

MR. RONNIE

Still do.

PRIEST

But you’re getting married now.

MR. RONNIE

Yeah, and thank God she’s hot.

PRIEST

Hot?

MR. RONNIE

Yeah, you know.  She likes sex.

PRIEST

Oh.  Oh.

MR. RONNIE

But I can still lust.  I mean, everybody lusts.

PRIEST

I guess.

MR. RONNIE

Don’t you?

PRIEST

I suppose.

MR. RONNIE

That must be really tough for you.

What happens next?  Well, things get a bit uncomfortable for our priest…and in the end, even a man of the cloth has his limits.