Breakfast with Niles
Act II/Scene I
[Same room. Lights up. Niles is tied in a chair. He has been beat black and blue in the face. A pair of his wife’s underwear covers his head like a hat. Tommy is riding one of two life cycles that have been moved out to the living area. He has changed into gray sweat pants and a t-shirt. Victor packs boxes on the couch beside Niles. Tommy gets off the life cycle, wipes himself with a towel from one of the boxes. Victor grows nervous watching Tommy eye Niles.]
VICTOR
You wanna’ hear something?
TOMMY
(IS SURPRISED BY QUESTION)
Huh? Nah, not now. I’m gonna’ need a shower before Fran gets here. I wouldn’t wanna’ soil Niles’ bed sheets with my dirty sweat.
NILES
She told me to fuck-off. What was I supposed to do?
TOMMY
(LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.)
Why’d she tell you that?
NILES
She was a problem employee.
TOMMY
Because she smoked?
NILES
No. I all ready told you why. I gave her several warnings. Do better-do differents. I gave her those repeatedly.
TOMMY
(SARCASTIC, SHAKING HIS HEAD.)
Do better, do differents? What the fuck are those?
NILES IS ABOUT TO ANSWER WHEN TOMMY STICKS HIS HANDS INSIDE HIS SWEATPANTS TO SCRATCH HIMSELF. SMELLS HIS FINGERS WHEN HE IS DONE.)
Mmmmmmmm I’m ripe. I believe I need a shower.
NILES
If I didn’t dismiss her, somebody else would have. Sooner or later.
TOMMY
That what you do, Niles? You dismiss people?
NILES
Mariella was late almost every day. She talked on the phones incessantly. She smoked —
(CATCHES HIMSELF)
I had to let her go.
TOMMY
You ever look at your watch and shake your head when you saw her come in to work late?
NILES
I don’t know. Maybe. I talked to her about that too — something to think about. I sent her e-mail after e-mail about her lateness. I asked her to try and be on time. I expected her to be on time.
TOMMY
And what about working late? She do that much?
NILES
Sometimes. Yes.
TOMMY
That don’t count, though, huh? Working late, I mean.
NILES
Not on days when she was late. She wouldn’t have to work late if she came on time and did her job. There is an office protocol to follow.
TOMMY
(BEAT)
Your father raised you to be one motherfucker of a tight-ass, huh?
VICTOR
(STANDS UP)
I can use some more coffee? Want some more coffee, Tommy?
(TOMMY WAVES HIM OFF.)
Sure? I think I’m gonna’ make another pot. Sure you —
TOMMY
I don’t want anymore coffee, Victor.
VICTOR
Okay.
(HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN.)
I’ll make a small pot. Just in case.
TOMMY
You were saying, Niles?
NILES
What?
TOMMY
Something about office protocol.
NILES
It’s a business. An office. People have to adhere to company policy. Mariella refused to –
TOMMY
(INTERRUPTING)
Do different, do better?
(PAUSE)
That include her desk? I understand she was a bit messy.
NILES
You’re just mocking me now.
TOMMY
Probably all night, pal, so get used to it.
NILES
Why? Is this all you have to do with yourself?
TOMMY
Right now it is, yeah. You get your rocks off fuckin’ with people need their jobs, I get off fuckin’ with people like you. We’re a perfect match.
(PAUSE)
So, you’re father was a tight-ass, made you one and that’s why you take it out on the rest of the world.
(PAUSE. SMACKS NILES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.)
I’m talkin’ to you. Talk the fuck back.
NILES
My father was a disciplinarian. He believed in discipline.
TOMMY
You been takin’ it out on the rest of the world ever since. This discipline papa Niles shoved up your ass with a pipe.
NILES
I have structured expectations. I don’t think that’s so wrong. I’m fair. I don’t treat one person any different than I do the next.
TOMMY
(WALKS BEHIND NILES AND SLAPS HIS HEAD)
You fired Mariella.
NILES
(TIGHTENS UP.)
She deserved to be dismissed.
TOMMY
(SLAPS NILES AGAIN.)
That’s not what I heard.
NILES
You can hit me all you want but it doesn’t change the —
TOMMY
(SMACKS NILES THREE TIMES)
Nilsa Rivera. Know her?
(ANOTHER SMACK)
Huh?
NILES
(IS WAITING FOR ANOTHER SMACK BUT IT DOESN’T COME. HEAD BENT DOWN.)
Of course.
TOMMY
She quit the week after you fired Mariella.
NILES
Yes, she did. One or two weeks.
TOMMY
Hey, fucker, don’t try and dilute my story! If I said it was a fuckin’ week, then leave it alone. If I said it, it’s true.
(NILES’S HEAD REMAINS DOWN.)
Nilsa told me you had it in for both of them. Mariella and Nilsa.
NILES
She’s mistaken.
TOMMY
She said you targeted Mariella because she didn’t like you. She didn’t take any of your prissy-ass bullshit.
NILES
I can’t argue with someone who isn’t here.
TOMMY
Nilsa was with Mariella when you caught them smoking. Only she wasn’t fired.
NILES
I gave Nilsa a second chance. I had other issues with Mariella. That wasn’t the first time I had caught —
TOMMY
Mariella called you a faggot to your face.
NILES
Yes, she did. She didn’t respect me. That was another issue. She didn’t respect any authority. Or her job. And she told me to fuck-off when I asked her to see me in my office.
TOMMY
But you didn’t fire, Nilsa.
(SHORT PAUSE. NILES IS ABOUT TO SPEAK. TOMMY SPEAKS FIRST.)
Why?
(SHORT PAUSE. NILES IS AGAIN ABOUT TO SPEAK. TOMMY SPEAKS AHEAD OF HIM.)
Why didn’t you fire Nilsa, Niles?
NILES
(SHORT PAUSE)
I explained that. Nilsa at least went through the motions with me. Even if they went downstairs to smoke and make fun of me two minutes later, Nilsa at least listened to all I had to say. I offered Mariella the same thing. I was there for her if she wanted my help. I’m just a regular guy. I wanted to be whatever she needed.
TOMMY
Just a regular guy? Maybe you shoulda’ just phrased it different.
NILES
I offered her help and she refused it.
TOMMY
(AT VICTOR)
You called Fran, right? You left a message about the bagels and eggs?
VICTOR
I left a message, yeah.
TOMMY
I’m starved.
VICTOR
It’s only two-thirty.
TOMMY
Aren’t you hungry yet?
VICTOR
Little.
NILES
Please don’t stay here. Just take what you have and go.
TOMMY
(AT VICTOR)
Get me that other apple from the fridge.
(EXAMINES BOXES WHILE VICTOR IS AWAY.)
Looks like a thoroughly boring life you lead, Niles.
VICTOR
(FROM KITCHEN)
The Apple or the pear? Or the yogurt?
TOMMY
The apple, Victor. I said. The apple. Get me the fuckin’ apple.
(BENDS OVER TO SNIFF THE UNDERWEAR ON NILES HEAD.)
She uses Ivory, your wife.
NILES
TIDE. I do the laundry.
TOMMY
(SARCASTIC; MOCKING NILES)
How silly of me. Of course you do.
VICTOR
Here you go.
(TOSSES THE APPLE TO TOMMY. TOMMY BITES INTO IT. VICTOR DOES THE SAME.)
Mmmm. That’s good.
TOMMY
All her underwear have those flowers on them? Aren’t there any thongs in there? Anything adult.
(NILES IGNORES HIM.)
Then Nilsa told me how you just don’t seem to like the Spanish people in your office. You reported some other guy in the production department, too. Alcohol on his breath or some bullshit.
NILES
It’s my job.
TOMMY
To be a rat.
NILES
Juan was drinking at lunch. I smelled it on him. It’s dangerous to himself and other employees. I don’t see how you can argue that.
TOMMY
Don’t the white people do anything wrong at this company of yours? Or the blacks or Italians? Or the jews? Nilsa says you got one guy there, one of the Italians, runs book from inside the office. Has customers right there in the company, as well as in the same building. She said there’s at least a dozen alcoholics and one or two coke addicts. How is it you don’t dismiss any of them, Niles? I mean, talk about illegal. Guys’ running book in an office, seems to me you got an open and shut case.
(PAUSE. TOMMY PUTS HIS FACE INCHES FROM NILES.)
Or does the guy runnin’ book look too mean to fuck with?
NILES
(LOOKING AWAY)
I’ve heard the rumors about him?
TOMMY
And?
NILES
It isn’t my job to investigate rumors. I can only address what I see. He doesn’t work for me. Mariella and Nilsa both worked directly for me. I saw what they were doing. It was in my face. They almost dared me to do something. Look, doing this to me won’t change me. I’d do the same thing all over again. Mariella deserved to be dismissed. I have convictions about what I do. I believe in what I did. Doing this to me won’t save me, if that’s what you think.
TOMMY
(SMACKS NILES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AGAIN)
Who said anything about saving you, you arrogant motherfucker.
VICTOR
You want some opera now, Tommy?
TOMMY
(AT VICTOR)
No.
(AT NILES)
Save you? I’d just as soon set your half-a-fag ass on fire.
NILES
Then what’s the point of all this?
TOMMY
(SMACKS NILES AGAIN.)
Revenge, you dumb fuck.
(ANOTHER SMACK.)
How many times you wanna’ hear me say it?
(ANOTHER SMACK.)
It’s revenge.
(SMACK.)
It’s revenge.
(SMACK.)
It’s revenge.
(PAUSE.)
Your mother didn’t rat you out to Dad.
NILES
(SNIFFLING)
This is different. You know it is.
TOMMY
You don’t like spics.
VICTOR
Can’t I play something now?
TOMMY
Huh?
VICTOR
Some opera, Tommy. I’m in the mood myself now.
TOMMY
(LOOKING HARD AT NILES)
Maybe you better.
VICTOR
Mozart?
TOMMY
(STILL STARING AT NILES)
Huh? Yeah, sure. Whatever.
VICTOR
(GOES TO BOOM-BOX AND PUTS IN A TAPE. LE NOZZE DI FIGARO; CHERUBINO’S ARIA, VOI SEPETE. HE TURNS UP THE VOLUME.)
Here we go.
TOMMY
(LISTENS A FEW SECONDS; TURNS TO NILES.)
Cherubino. It’s supposed to be a guy but Mozart wrote the part for a high soprano. It’s a girl imitating a guy’s part. Sorta’ like you, Niles.
VICTOR
Should I pack her stuff, too?
TOMMY
You got enough boxes?
VICTOR
Two or three more.
TOMMY
Then, yeah. And make sure you get the underwear.
(RIPS THE UNDERWEAR OFF NILES’S HEAD AND TOSSES IT TO VICTOR)
Every last one of them.
(LIGHTS FAST TO BLACK.)
(END SCENE)
