DOUBLE OR NOTHING

First Performed in December 1989
at the 45^th Street Theatre

Scene One

Tom Waits’, Friday left me fumblin’ with the blues, plays in background. At the final line of the first stanza (“Two dead ends and you still got to choose.”), the song fades and lights slowly come up.

Early morning in a hotel room at the Princess Hotel in Bermuda. A woman is sound asleep on the bed. Frank sits at a desk writing. He crumples up a piece of paper and sets it to one side, where there are several other crumpled pieces of paper. The room is littered with coffee trays with pots and cups. There is a knock at the door. Frank gets up to answer it. It is room service; a young man about twenty. He enters and sets the tray on the far dresser while Frank goes back to writing on a pad. He notices a trash pail set out on the floor across the room from Frank. The kid looks around, unsure of what to do next, and finally serves Frank a cup of coffee. He presents Frank with the bill and stands at ease while Frank looks it over. Frank signs for the bill and hands it back to the kid. He then holds up one crumpled piece of paper and shows the kid.

FRANK

This is the one. For all the marbles. You want a piece?

ROOM SERVANT

(WITH A HEAVY BRITISH ACCENT)

Excuse me, sir.

FRANK

Some action, kid, action. A bet. Wanna’ make a bet? Small bet.

ROOM SERVANT

Oh, no, sir. I Couldn’t.

FRANK

Come on, kid. Tiny bet. Fifty-cents, a buck.

ROOM SERVANT

I couldn’t, really.

FRANK

No need to get nervous, kid. A tiny little bet. The tip money. For the coffee. The tip for the coffee. Double or nothin’. Let’s see, ah, eight and change, right? Well, I was leavin you five anyway, so, we’ll make it ten. Ten I miss, zilch if I make it. What do you say?

ROOM SERVANT

I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t afford that. Especially on a five dollar tip.

FRANK

(MISSES THE SHOT)

Too bad, kid.

(THE KID HAS FOLLOWED THE FLIGHT OF THE PAPER WITH HIS RIGHT HAND)

We’ll make it like you bet. I missed so you won.

(HE HANDS THE KID A TEN-DOLLAR BILL)

ROOM SERVANT

Thank you, sir.

FRANK

Wanna go it again? Shoot the works. Only you gotta bet for real this time, kid.

ROOM SERVANT

Please sir, I can’t really.

FRANK

(FRANK SHOOTS AND MISSES AGAIN)

Time is money, kid.

ROOM SERVANT

(CAN’T HELP BUT WATCH AND HESITATE)

Thank you, sir.

(FRANK SHOOTS AND MISSES AGAIN)

Sorry, I have to go now.

(FRANK SHOOTS AND MISSES AGAIN)

Bye-bye then.

FRANK

Let’s see, that’s ah … eighty bucks you just pissed away, pal.

ROOM SERVANT

(STILL HESITATING)

Do I have to bet the entire ten, sir?

Frank

(SMILES; GOES ABOUT SETTING UP THE BASKET AND RETRIEVING THE PAPER BALLS)

Whatever you want, no problem. I understand the problems of the working class. Believe me, I understand them. Okay, so, how much?

Room servant

Okay, how about two, sir? Two dollars.

Frank

Two bucks it is. Whatever you say.

(HE SHOOTS AND MISSES)

‘Nother duce?

Room servant

Sir?

Frank

Another duce. I’m cold as ice here, kid. You should be riding this streak to the bank.

Room servant

I’m sorry, sir. I have to get going. They’re going to call on me.

Frank

Tell them you’re sick or somethin.

Room servant

Sir, I don’t care to continue this.

Frank

Take the money and run, huh? Never give a sucker an even break, I know. Alright, alright. If you wanna be that way about it.

Room servant

Fine, sir, fine. Two dollars again. But then I have to leave or I’ll lose my job.

Frank

What, you work at the Pentagon or somethin?

Room servant

Excuse me?

Frank

(SHOOTS AND MISSES; IS FRUSTRATED)

Hundred bucks, you call in sick.

Room servant

What?

Frank

Two hundred. I’ll collaborate, kid. I’ll say you felt sick, you delivered the coffee. Just go down, call in sick, come back up. Stay, half-an-hour, say, and it’s yours, two bills. Well?

Room servant

(GENUINELY PERPLEXED; STARTS FOR THE DOOR.)

Ah, no, sir. I can’t, sir.

Frank

(BLOCKS THE KID FROM LEAVING)

Hold it, kid. You can’t leave me here, hangin like this. Not like this.

Room servant

What?

Frank

I got a hardon here, from the tease you just give me, you know.

Room servant

It’s my job, sir.

Frank

Yeah, right. All you did was come in here, flick your tongue at it a couple times, got me excited, got paid, and waltz away, out you go.

Room servant

Sir, I have to leave now.

Frank

You’re a whore, Joey. A fuckin whore.

Room servant

My name isn’t Joey.

Frank

Come on, kid, what’s the big deal here. We’re talkin major payday, you work with me.

Room servant

I’m sorry, I can’t.

Frank

Yeah? Fuck you.

(PHONE RINGS; FRANK CROSSES THE ROOM TO PICK IT UP; ROOM SERVANT IS NERVOUS AS HE WATCHES FRANK)

Room servant

Ah, wait, sir.

Frank

(INTO PHONE)

Yeah, hello. Oh, yeah, yeah, he just left a couple minutes ago. He was real sick, though. Sick, yeah. Threw his guts up. Vomited, uh-huh. Oh, I don’t know. Wasn’t the kid’s fault, nothing to apologize for. Kid was sick. Huh? Pale. Very pale. Felt dizzy, he said. Looked it. Then he got sick. Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem. Forget it. Sure, bye-bye.

(AT ROOM SERVANT)

There. Now you go down, call in sick, come back up and it’s yours. Two bills.

Room servant

(POINTS AT FRANK)

Oh, shit, sir.

Frank

(EXTENDS A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL TO THE KID)

Here. Take this one in case you change your mind. The other one’ll be waiting here, you still want it.

(PAUSE)

Go on now, they’re expecting you.

(PAUSE)

Hell, kid, you might as well go through with it now, make the cash you got the chance.

(PAUSE)

Come on, kid, you here what, ten minutes, you’re already up two hundred bucks. Woulda been more you didn’t pass up on some of those other bets.

Room servant

What if I lose my job, sir?

Frank

For getting sick? The hell is this, a prison colony? They won’t fire you, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.

Room servant

Why are you doing this, sir?

Frank

Call it fun. I’m a fun guy. I don’t know, kid. Hell, I like you. What difference does it make? You just made a week’s salary here.

Room servant

Week and a half.

Frank

Well?

(PAUSE)

What is the fuckin problem here, kid? I mean, Jesus, you could always walk out of here with that C-note, forget you ever saw me. I mean, if you’re that type of guy, that is. Of course, there is another one waitin here.

Room servant

Okay. But when I get back, what am I supposed to do? What will you want from me then?

Frank

Like I said, twenty minutes, half-an-hour, you’re up and out of here and two hundred bucks the better for it.

Room servant

(NERVOUS, TRIES TO LEAVE AGAIN)

Oh, but I can’t be seen up here.

Frank

(BLOCKS KID FROM LEAVING AGAIN)

Will you take a pill, kid? Huh? Relax, don’t sweat it. It’s only a job.

Room servant

It’s my job, sir. I have to sweat it.

Frank

Fine, bathe your head in it, you gotta. Soak yourself in sweat, you feel the need, but take a lesson here, kid, will you? Learn somethin, why don’t you? You want something, go and get it. Don’t let the bullshit get in the way. Stay hungry, kid, before you ain’t a kid no more. Don’t be so goddamned content.

Room servant

I’m not content, sir. I’m not.

Frank

Yeah, well, you sound it.

Room servant

I can’t afford to be carefree about it.

Frank

Carefree?

(GETS IN KID’S FACE)

That’s what you think I am?

(PAUSE WHILE HE STARES THE KID DOWN; WALKS AWAY LAUGHING)

I kind of like it. Carefree. She thinks I’m a degenerate. Carefree, I can live with that.