COFFEE WAGON
Scene 1
[Early morning; a diner in Astoria, Queens. TOMMY and EDDIE are seated in a back booth in a mostly empty diner. TOMMY wears a black leather jacket over a white T-shirt. His hair is neatly combed straight back. Eddie is wearing a red and black flannel shirt. His hair is somewhat disheveled. Both men are in their early thirties. EDDIE has been picking dandruff from his head. TOMMY has been watching with disgust. After a while, TOMMY point at EDDIE.]
TOMMY
You’re picking you’re head again.
EDDIE
I’m nervous. You make me nervous.
TOMMY
You’re sure he’s coming, right?
EDDIE
He said he was.
TOMMY
Because I’m not comfortable with this.
EDDIE
Huh?
TOMMY
(He taps the breast of his leather jacket.) I don’t like holding onto this.
EDDIE
Then give it here.
TOMMY
It’s a lot of money.
EDDIE
That’s what it cost.
TOMMY
Yeah, but we owe on it now. Starting this morning.
EDDIE
I know that. I’m not comfortable with that either. What else were we gonna’ do?
TOMMY
I don’t know. (Eddie picks his head again. Pulls a big flake out and examines it. Tommy points at it.) Don’t eat that!
EDDIE
Huh? Oh. (Flicks the dandruff flake off his finger.)
TOMMY
I mean, we owe eight bills a week on this money and we gotta’ have it.
EDDIE
Because you went to the hard guys.
TOMMY
Where else was I gonna’ go?
EDDIE
I’m just saying.
TOMMY
And I had to reach out to get it.
EDDIE
You’re friend with the strip bar, I know.
TOMMY
My connected friend with the strip bar.
EDDIE
I know, I know.
TOMMY
You keep sayin’ that.
EDDIE
What else you want me to do.
TOMMY
(Sips his coffee. Eddie picks his head again. Tommy motions at him.) You wanna’ give me a break with that? (Eddie stops.) What time is it?
EDDIE
Six-thirty.
TOMMY
He’s supposed to be here.
EDDIE
He’s pro’bly not in the same rush as you. He’s pro’bly still sleeping one off.
TOMMY
I got thirty grand here. He better have the permits.
EDDIE
He’ll have them.
TOMMY
And if he don’t?
EDDIE
We give the hard guys back their money.
TOMMY
Plus eight hundred bucks.
EDDIE
Whatever.
TOMMY
That’s one day in the coffee wagon business and we’re out eight hundred. A pair of fuckin’ geniuses, we are.
EDDIE
The Greek’ll show.
TOMMY
He better.
EDDIE
Tommy, relax. Put something in your coffee or somethin’. Think happy thoughts. That waitress you’re bangin’. Think about her.
TOMMY
She’s pregnant.
EDDIE
(Surprised.) What!
TOMMY
It’s not mine.
EDDIE
Oh. You scared me there. (Picks his head.) Who’s is it?
TOMMY
Who the fuck knows? The cook, I think.
EDDIE
The one out of the joint? The Rican?
TOMMY
He’s a nice guy.
EDDIE
Right.
TOMMY
I mean, what are we talkin’ here, Eddie? This Greek fuck, he owns half the permits in the city. What’s he doing us this big favor for?
EDDIE
He owes me.
TOMMY
(Sarcastic.) The Greek owes you, right.
EDDIE
Well, he does.
TOMMY
What for, he owes you? That’s not what you told me. You said he likes you.
EDDIE
Same thing.
TOMMY
What’s the same?
EDDIE
You’re way too fuckin’ nervous here, Tommy. You’re paranoid.
TOMMY
I’m nervous? Yeah, well, I got forty grand of hard guy money. Thirty going out today and the rest for supplies and what not. Plus the fact I never made a cup of fuckin’ coffee in my life, I’m all of a sudden in the business.
EDDIE
It’s a good business, Tommy. You see these guys on the street. Those wagons make money.
TOMMY
Which is why I’m suspicious. The Greek selling us permits.
EDDIE
It’s business.
TOMMY
Huh?
EDDIE
The Greek. Selling permits. That’s what he does.
TOMMY
To us?
EDDIE
He likes me. (Eats a flake of his dandruff.)
TOMMY
Don’t eat that shit! Jesus Christ, Eddie.
EDDIE
(He looks around himself.) She got a sister?
TOMMY
Huh?
EDDIE
You’re pregnant girlfriend. She know somebody you can set me up with.
TOMMY
Not if you’re gonna’ pick your head and eat your dandruff.
EDDIE
It relaxes me.
TOMMY
It’s disgusting.
(Pause. Someone comes in the diner. Tommy hears the door and is all nervous.) That him?
EDDIE
(Looks up.) No.
TOMMY
Shit. Where the fuck is he?
EDDIE
(Laughing.) Probably having his coffee, he don’t wanna’ pay a diner for a cup.
TOMMY
That isn’t funny.
EDDIE
Sorry.
TOMMY
(Trying to change the subject; lighten things up.) She’s mad at me anyway.
EDDIE
Who is?
TOMMY
The waitress, Shelly. Who’re we talkin’ about?
EDDIE
Why’s that?
TOMMY
I farted.
EDDIE
Huh?
TOMMY
Last time, you know. We were in a position and I let one go. Couldn’t hold back. I drank a Coke before. Two Cokes maybe. I can’t handle the carbonation.
EDDIE
(Laughs.) Big fart?
TOMMY
(Laughs with Eddie.) Like a fuckin’ train leaving the station.
EDDIE
(Smiles, stops to think about it.) You mean pullin’ into the station.
TOMMY
Huh?
EDDIE
Your fart. It’s louder when they come into the station. (Tommy makes a face.) Trains. When they come into a station they make more noise than when they’re pulling out.
TOMMY
What the fuck is your problem, Eddie? Sometimes, I mean, I don’t know about you.
EDDIE
(Waves it off.) What she do? What she say?
TOMMY
Who?
EDDIE
The waitress, Tommy. Who’re we talkin’ about here?
TOMMY
Oh, she called me a fuckin’ slob. She said I was disgusting.
EDDIE
You shoulda’ picked your head.
TOMMY
(Frowns.) What time is it now? Where is this Greek fuck?
EDDIE
He’ll be here.
TOMMY
He fuckin’ better be. And soon.
EDDIE
(Starts to pick his head and stops himself from Tommy’s look. Smiles.) Did it smell?
TOMMY
What? Oh, yeah, I guess. She was waving her hand in front of her face.
EDDIE
Did you eat eggs? There’s nothin’ worse than an egg fart.
TOMMY
(Shrugs.) I told her I was sorry. She didn’t want to hear it.
EDDIE
Wait’ll she sees you own a couple coffee wagons. She’ll come crawling back then. She’ll beg you to fart in her bed.
TOMMY
Huh? Oh, it was in a car. Her car.
EDDIE
(Laughing again.) That small thing? The Civic?
TOMMY
So it was loud. Like a fuckin’ air horn.
EDDIE
You mean a tuba.
TOMMY
Huh?
EDDIE
The fart in the car. A tuba sounds more like a fart than an air horn.
TOMMY
You know what, Eddie? Never fuckin’ mind the fart, alright? Where the fuck is this guy.
EDDIE
He’ll be here any minute.
TOMMY
Because I don’t need this stress today. This extra aggravation I’m holding here. I can’t afford it. My ulcers can’t afford it.
EDDIE
You need a Mylox? I can run around the corner.
TOMMY
I got.
EDDIE
Think of the money we’ll make. Couple hundred a day from three wagons. We’ll pay that money back in no time.
TOMMY
We better. This is hard guy money I’m carryin’ here. We don’t get to fuck up with this.
EDDIE
We won’t fuck up, Tommy. We’ll do exactly what we said and we’ll be takin’ weekly helicopter rides to Atlantic City to celebrate before you know it.
TOMMY
Because I can’t afford to sour my relationship with these people. Right now, they like me because I always made good on money I borrowed on money I lost betting sports. They gave me a break with the juice, shaving a point off the top, but that can change in a heartbeat, Eddie. It’s not like they trust me. They don’t trust anybody.
EDDIE
We’re not gonna’ fuck up with this, Tommy. We’re gonna’ make money. Big money.
TOMMY
Be nice for a change, huh?
EDDIE
It’ll be wonderful.
TOMMY
Go the track and last longer than the third race.
EDDIE
Go to the Palm instead of Tad’s.
TOMMY
Or Peter Luger’s.
EDDIE
Peter fuckin’ Luger’s. Now you’re talkin’.
TOMMY
Pick up broads in a club instead of a diner.
EDDIE
Pick up broads own Cadillac’s instead of Civics.
TOMMY
Fart whenever I want.
EDDIE
And they won’t hardly hear it in a Caddy.
TOMMY
(Excited.) What are we talkin’ here, Eddie?
EDDIE
Coffee, Tommy. We’re talkin’ coffee here.
